My meaning of life.

Sitting at work, during a lull. Its absolutely ridiculous how things go.
New rules were created because of the law enforcement agency that is in this county building, but those dispatchers don't have to follow those rules. Just us. We answer more emergency lines, but they treat us like second class citizens. We have to talk on phones while using the radios, but their radio people are logged off their phones.  I've done this job 11 years and have nothing to show for it except medical problems. No thanks or certificates of appreciation. Mostly treated like shit by coworkers and the public.
My kids are off doing their own thing while Mommy pays the bills by herself. They go out to eat and I'm eating Ramen and chicken nuggets, if I have money for groceries.
I'm just totally convinced that I should never have been put on this planet. If I would die tomorrow, nothing would change. I wouldn't be missed. The universe has showed me that I was meant to be alone to handle all this crap while child molesters get to be happily married. Where am I on the totem pole of people? Lower than child molesters. Damaged goods. Too independent, fat, or unattractive for the opposite sex.
I'm just sick of it all. I can't even find joy in living in Florida anymore. I spend so much time working to pay bills and doing my have-to chores, I have no time left.

My definition of the meaning of life: work, struggle, suffer and misery. I sure haven't been disappointed.

Workplace Comparisons

I've worked as an emergency dispatcher for over eleven years. I'd have to say, at this point, I am reaching the burn-out stage.  There are several reasons why, but some reasons bother me more than others.

The first center I worked at, I hated who I worked for, but loved the job. My co-workers had my back, even if they didn't like me personally. Supervisors stood up for you.  The technology was lacking a bit, but we made it work.  The callers, too, were, for the most part, cooperative and understood how 911 worked; that was mainly due to educating the public about us.  Field personnel also had a great deal of respect for us.  They would visit, bring gifts during dispatcher week and the holidays, just plain good relationships.  They knew what the job was about.

The second center is a whole other story. Yes, the technology is cutting edge, but very prejudicial people.  If they don't like you (for whatever reason: your haircut or the way you dress) just forget about them having your back.  Favorites are picked and, if you aren't a favorite, expect to get a lot more criticism, even if it's for things that another person does on a regular basis and gets away with it.  And don't share that you got a compliment from a field person, God-forbid you do better than someone else. Quality assurance is "Good Job" on a 100% and, if less than 100%, a 10-page dissertation on how you screwed up.  Callers are foul-mouthed and rude. There is no public education on how we work and therefore, handling an uncooperative caller is more than commonplace.  Relationships with field personnel are non-existent unless you work or have worked in the field locally. There is also no education, in regards to personnel, as to what our job entails, so they think we're just sitting on our butts drinking coffee and have all the time in the world to focus on the ONE incident in the entire county that is going on (sarcasm).

It's frustrating to the nth degree.  I went from somewhere where I was respected and "adored" for what I do, to being an unimportant nothing.  Maybe less than nothing.  I've been here 4 years, you think the boss knows my name? The actual job hasn't changed, just the environment.

I hate people so much now, I hardly ever leave my house on my days off.  No phone calls, no shopping unless I'm out of everything.  It's sad.  I'd leave, but the pay is good, and deep down, somewhere, I still feel like I make a difference.

My (cynical) View on Dating

I have been a long-time single mom.  My children's father ended up being more like my teenage son than a father and partner.  I ended that relationship after almost 6 years.  He was my first serious relationship as an adult.  He abused my kids, lost custody of them and then fought me tooth and nail over child support.  In the end, I've received the equivalent of almost and year and half of my income in child support over 19 years; thank you Pennsylvania for being so supportive (sarcasm).  He got married and had four more children since he lost custody of mine.

I had a small dating stint for about six months after that.  He also was very distant and moody; not very into the instant family thing.  I broke it off.  He got married not too long after.

My last relationship lasted 9 years and 4.5 months.  It was great in the beginning, but later, he only came to see me about once a month.  Intimacy was non-existent.  He only panicked when I decided to move to Florida; said "if getting a ring would make you stay, I'll buy one." Talk about insulting.  He stayed as far away from committing to me as the west coast is from the east coast. 

He's getting married this spring to someone he met three months after I moved.  I guess I'm the female version of "Good Luck Chuck."

I tried the online dating thing.  All I found were men that wanted one-night-stands or just a f**k buddy. Even on a site that I paid to meet "my match."  What a joke. 

I've learned a few things in this foray into dating after 40.  One is, men like to be needed (I'm apparently too independent for them).  Two, men don't like women with health issues (I have plenty).  Three, men don't like overweight women (I'm only 70 pounds over, but that must be too much). Four, I smoke and that seems to be a real turn-off.  Five, they want perfect teeth (age and two pregnancies in two years have de-mineralized my teeth to where they are breaking and, when you're paying off braces for one kid and supporting a household, some things get pushed to the back burner).

I've not been on a dating website or actively looking for my "ever after" in over two years.  Yes, I get lonely.  But: I get the bed to myself, sleep when I want (working nights), watch what I want on TV and can pretty much do whatever I want, whenever I want.

There are plenty of obituaries out there showing the death of someone with no spouse (or children for that matter).  Just a point proving that there isn't someone for everyone.

I already don't match society's view of perfection on so many levels. Why not add one more?

My View on Class Warfare.

When it comes down to it, we are not a democracy or a capitalist country. We are a monarchy/plutocracy posing as a democratic republic....

I have drug myself up from living on welfare to having a paycheck to paycheck job. I am comfortable, but by no means at ease. I have been the victim of prejudice for being poor. I have never looked for a hand out, but a hand up. I made conscious choices for the betterment of my family.  What I have, I HAVE EARNED!

I don't hate rich people, I just think a lot of them take for granted what they have. You see all these stupid reality shows on TV with people that are well off.  A lot of them seem to not work for a living, but live off another person's income.  They are very materialistic; the things they seem to be concerned about are so petty and selfish, it's disgusting.  They have no class or self-respect.

The problem is the fairness.  There are so many loopholes that the wealthy can stay wealthy.  I'm not talking just "very comfortable," I'm talking the people who are worth billions.  More money than they know what to do with.  But they aren't taxed on what they have turely earned, regardless of how they got it.  They stash and invest their money so their tax bracket is 15% or less.  I made $36,000 last year.  I am in the 15% tax bracket.  How is is fair that someone who makes millions a year is in the same bracket?

The opportunities for me to rise up in monetary status are slim.  Going back to college, and hopefully majoring in something that will improve my status, is damn near impossible with my work schedule (never mind being affordable).  I have no "extra" money to invest, whether into a new business venture or the stock market.  I'm trapped. Apathy sets in quick when there is nowhere to go but down....

On the opposite end, people living off the government system (someone who knows how to play the game) live better than me and pay no taxes.  They get all kinds of subsidies for heat, etc.  These same people don't take care of what they have because they don't have the pride in earning those things.  Their houses are dilapidated, cars are beat up.  I have lived on welfare and did not know how to play the system.  Those were the poorest, toughest years of my life.  I couldn't get a car or go back to school.  All I would get was food stamps and medical for the kids. But my neighbors in the housing projects are driving new cars, going to college and have big screen TVs.  It was just a skewed, crazy life.

Being a single parent, one would think I could get help for heat, etc.  But, no.  I make $5 too much a year.  Kids never got reduced meals in school.  My mortgage payment is over half my income with the escrow, but my bills are paid.  I may not have groceries in the refrigerator, but the water runs, the lights are on and the roof isn't leaking.  Thank the Goddess for a car with 28mpg, because gasoline prices are out of control and my commute is 24 miles one way. Doesn't leave much leftover for me to "stimulate the economy."

 So, Mr. President, don't get on my case because I can't support neighborhood small business, I'd like to, but I can't afford it.

The constitution says anyone can run for President as long as they are 35 and a born citizen.  But you have to have millions to run a campaign to even get on a ballot.  That means the working people who built this country will never have true representation in the government.  We build and protect this country while the politicians are having $10,000 a plate dinners.  Politicians in D.C. have great health care, retirement and benefits, all on the taxpayer's dime.  WE struggle to feed our kids and get them a decent education and then send the rest of our money to support the welfare of our Congress.  That's a real welfare society.

I know life isn't fair, but this is ridiculous.  I wish I'd win the lottery for millions.  Maybe my view would be different if I knew what it was like to be wealthy. 

The beginning

I'm starting this blog just to vent before I end up having a heart attack due to frustration and rage. It's going to be my random personal observations and opinions. I will change names to protect people if necessary and not break any of the rules regarding my job.

For one, I am a single mother of two, now adult, daughters who are attending college.  I spent 19 years fighting for a meager child support payment and learned that the legal (not justice) system is stacked against people who do not know how to play the system.  That's ok.  I think I did a damn good job all by myself.

For another, I've worked as an emergency dispatcher for over 11 years and have to deal with people at their worst.  It doesn't create a healthy outlook of society for me.  Before that I was a Corrections Officer for two years .. really fine, upstanding citizens there.  So, of course, I have a very cynical, bitter (if you will) view of society as a whole, regardless of class, ethnic background, etc.
I am full of sarcasm and bordering on apathy.  However, I do have my funny side, as my sister is quick to point out.  So I guess I'm not all that bad.

The nice thing about blogging is, I can get this attitude out there, but only you can choose to read it.  That's the great thing about the USA.  The bare bones of the constitution allow me to rant and rave, choose my religion, and a multitude of other things, without the government locking me away in some secret prison. But it comes with responsibility and I am BIG on accountability. Nothing comes for free.  If you want it, you have to earn it.  So, even when I'm ranting on the latest crap that is in the headlines, I will try to count my blessings as well.
Peace Out.