Close-minded people suck.

I posted a meme on Facebook in reference to a politician stating how easy it is for 14-year-old boys to get condoms, but birth control for women is becoming hard to get.
The response I get from two "friends" is that birth control causes abortions where fetuses are torn apart, women lived before birth control (yeah, no deaths in childbirth, ever), etc., etc.
When I was a child, I was raised in a Catholic church. I was already questioning stuff that sounded stupid to me and the nuns hated it.
I went on to join a non-denominational church in my 20s and questioned things too. I got strange looks from other church-goers.
I have always had a love for science, proof, "show me the answers!" Now I'm being bombarded with religious-right fanatics who want to keep their automatic weapons, but insist a woman is no more than a vessel to spout out children.  They follow the bible rules of their one-true god, when it suits them, but not the ones about no divorce, don't trim your beards, etc., etc.
I have researched many religions/faiths/paths, and would consider myself a pagan/agnostic/atheist. I like to believe that my something out there is the laws of physics, science, etc.  That the only rules are the laws of nature. I believe in good and evil, but that those things are a part of someone's personality or mental illness, more than the influence of a deity.
I am for human rights. ALL humans, all rights.  Keep your religious beliefs off and out of my body, my home, my family.  What you want to believe is fine, just don't force it down my throat. That's when I become intolerant. No one likes a bully.
I hate having to live in the midst of the holy-rolling bible-belt and not being able to be true to myself.  I do not have the self-confidence to say "fuck it" when someone bashes me for whatever.  I also hate the hypocrisy of the religious nuts here. The one-day-a-week Christians.  You know the ones, Hallelujah, god is great, here's my tithe for charity...then they cut you off leaving the parking lot, while flipping you the middle finger.

Yeah, love it here.

Well, with the exception of my family, I am staying of Facebook now.  Google+ seems to have more people that think like me.  I wish they were all closer so we could hang out over coffee, tea and smokes/vapes.  But I'll stick with the virtual world. We can still talk.  With our open minds.

Times, they are a changin'.

Years ago, I heard that song.  From the 60's-70's, times were changing. Dramatically.
Times are changing now, but more subtly. And, from what it seems to me, not for the greater good.

NSA spying on the American people; Nixon bugged one room and was almost impeached.

Freedom of Religion in the Constitution seems to only cover any religion of the Christian or Jewish based faiths.  It also seems to allow for religious views to become the law of the land.  Allowing for legal bigotry and discrimination.

Children are no longer parented or disciplined, leaving a whole generation with no guidance or idea of right and wrong.  Children are no longer educated, but taught to take a test, teaching them to be sheep following what the almighty political powers say to do. Since only the government knows what is best for you.

Employers have no loyalty to their employees, it is better for profit to hire someone at a cheaper rate, than a skilled, knowledgeable employee at a competitive rate.  And, if the higher ups don't like you (for whatever reason), expect a layoff with no callback.

It pays better to live off of the government assistance programs than it is to actually work, since most jobs are minimum wage and/or part-time.
The biggest welfare system is the Corporations and their Congressional lackeys (usually known as Senators and Representatives). They are the rich and they keep getting richer.  However, when the poor are no more, what good will their money do them?

Women still are second-class citizens. It's a double standard really.  If a woman gets pregnant, she can't terminate it and soon won't be able to take birth control to prevent it. But if she has the baby, she is left as the only person responsible, as if she magically created the child herself with no male involvement.  She works, pays for daycare and, dare she, get food stamps or some assistance to help her along the way. Pro-life, my ass. More like Pro-fetus.

And heaven help us, if two men or two women love each other, that they enter into an arrangement known as marriage and live happily ever after.  I don't see anyone protesting the amount of heterosexual affairs or divorce rates. 

But, the American people just sit on their collective asses, watching Honey Boo Boo, Duck Dynasty or some other intelligence-draining reality show.  More concerned about what Miley did to shock the nation than how much of our taxpayer money is still being shipped overseas to aid other countries, even those who harbor terrorists who want us dead.  You won't get any free money if you blow us up, just sayin'.

Times are a changin'. Soon, America will no longer be a force to be reckoned with or an example of the high standard of living, science and technology.  We'll be just another sad story of a country that started with the right idea, but corruption, greed and apathy destroyed us from the inside out.
Wonder what language we'll have to learn then? Or religion? Who will take over the empire formerly known as the USA? 
I just hope it's not in my lifetime so I can enjoy what little personal freedoms I have left..

When will I learn.

You shouldn't complain.
You should be thankful.
You should feel blessed.
It's not as bad as you think it is.
Everyone is in the same boat, what makes you so different?
Just get over it.

In the past 6 months, I've changed jobs, took a pay cut doing so, and am struggling to not wake up hungry.  I lost my first grandson, in utero, two days before he was due to be born.  My youngest has moved out to school; I hardly ever see my kids anymore. I'm on night shift so I technically only get Sunday off do catch up on housework, etc.  My gasoline budget only covers work-home travel, so there's no going to the beach or anywhere else for that matter.  Forget shopping in any form. Forget vacations.  Forget new clothes (even though my job has a dress code).

But I'm to sit with a smile plastered on my face and be happy.

You have a home.
You have a car.
At least you can go to the Only-A-Dollar Store and get some food.
Count your blessings.

I have a hard time counting my blessings when, just a few short years ago, I was "living large."  I had some extra money after paying all of my bills and grocery shopping.  I wasn't hungry.  I could get my car repaired if it was broken.  I could get my home repaired if something broke.  I could replace worn out clothing.  I could take trips. I could add more plants to my garden.

I thought that when I became an empty-nester, that things would be easier.  But now I still have to pay for family medical coverage ($500 a month deduction) but have no child support to offset it.  I have no money to help my kids out when they need it. I've cut back on a lot of my bills. Some, like extra insurance, I've done away with altogether. Why should I cut back any more? There's a bunch of people up the street with "lazyitis" who don't work for a living, but live better than me.  I've worked too hard to get this far and now I'm supposed to fall back?

I left a highly stressful job. One of the reasons was that, even though I had a very important role in the public's life, I was unimportant and nonessential. Now I'm at a less stressful job and my unimportance matches it.

I just wonder what was the reason that I was put on this planet? I'm not that special of a person: one of my ex-s is a child molester, but he's happily married, my other ex had all kinds of excuses why he couldn't get married, and meets a chick just months after we broke up and marries her. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. I expect fairness, justice and respect, but that shit ain't happening these days.
I honestly can understand why there are shootings and suicides. I can relate. Little things, from the asshole that won't turn his high beams off or who likes to thump his music so loud I can hear it over the TV in my enclosed house to big things, the politicians making millions telling me what is best for me and to shut up and smile, minion.

All I can hope for, is I die in my sleep, and soon. I don't want to see what crap hits the fan this year.

Have you missed me?

I know it has been quite a long time since I've posted something.  A lot has happened.

I had surgery last July.  What could be called female castration.  I had to have my ovaries removed due to very painful (couple trips to the E.R.) ovarian cysts.  Doctor discovered that I had severe endometriosis and probably had it most of my life since the scarring was so bad.  After four weeks off of what should have been six weeks, I returned to work.  I went on hormone replacement therapy about that time.  Severe depression, hot flashes, couldn't sleep.  Still didn't work.  Got the HRT increased about 2 weeks later.  Still have mood problems: rage, depression, melancholy.

Then, I had an angry outburst at work.  Got a three-day suspension.  I got moved to night shift (a less senior person was moved to my day spot), which jacks up my HRT.  Funny thing is, this week, two people said my attitude has improved since I went on nights.  (Gee, could it be the psychotherapy I have for an hour a week?)  Guess I will be stuck on nights til I resign or die at the console (I can't afford to retire).

During this time I've discovered a few things. One, I am not ignored or banished because I'm a shitty person. I was banished because they are afraid of me and my abilities.  I am a better dispatcher than some of the people there.  I think outside of the box.  I make my concerns known.  On that last remark: two, this county doesn't like change, even if it would make things better.  The old money/power that has been here thinks things are fine just the way they are, even if corruption is rampant and people are apathetic.

I'm just gonna keep on being me, no matter what mood the HRT puts me in.  At least I am real life, not some brown-nosing sycophant.  They may not like what I have to say, but I'm gonna say it anyway.  If it's wrong, it's wrong. If it's right, it's right. 

My meaning of life.

Sitting at work, during a lull. Its absolutely ridiculous how things go.
New rules were created because of the law enforcement agency that is in this county building, but those dispatchers don't have to follow those rules. Just us. We answer more emergency lines, but they treat us like second class citizens. We have to talk on phones while using the radios, but their radio people are logged off their phones.  I've done this job 11 years and have nothing to show for it except medical problems. No thanks or certificates of appreciation. Mostly treated like shit by coworkers and the public.
My kids are off doing their own thing while Mommy pays the bills by herself. They go out to eat and I'm eating Ramen and chicken nuggets, if I have money for groceries.
I'm just totally convinced that I should never have been put on this planet. If I would die tomorrow, nothing would change. I wouldn't be missed. The universe has showed me that I was meant to be alone to handle all this crap while child molesters get to be happily married. Where am I on the totem pole of people? Lower than child molesters. Damaged goods. Too independent, fat, or unattractive for the opposite sex.
I'm just sick of it all. I can't even find joy in living in Florida anymore. I spend so much time working to pay bills and doing my have-to chores, I have no time left.

My definition of the meaning of life: work, struggle, suffer and misery. I sure haven't been disappointed.

Workplace Comparisons

I've worked as an emergency dispatcher for over eleven years. I'd have to say, at this point, I am reaching the burn-out stage.  There are several reasons why, but some reasons bother me more than others.

The first center I worked at, I hated who I worked for, but loved the job. My co-workers had my back, even if they didn't like me personally. Supervisors stood up for you.  The technology was lacking a bit, but we made it work.  The callers, too, were, for the most part, cooperative and understood how 911 worked; that was mainly due to educating the public about us.  Field personnel also had a great deal of respect for us.  They would visit, bring gifts during dispatcher week and the holidays, just plain good relationships.  They knew what the job was about.

The second center is a whole other story. Yes, the technology is cutting edge, but very prejudicial people.  If they don't like you (for whatever reason: your haircut or the way you dress) just forget about them having your back.  Favorites are picked and, if you aren't a favorite, expect to get a lot more criticism, even if it's for things that another person does on a regular basis and gets away with it.  And don't share that you got a compliment from a field person, God-forbid you do better than someone else. Quality assurance is "Good Job" on a 100% and, if less than 100%, a 10-page dissertation on how you screwed up.  Callers are foul-mouthed and rude. There is no public education on how we work and therefore, handling an uncooperative caller is more than commonplace.  Relationships with field personnel are non-existent unless you work or have worked in the field locally. There is also no education, in regards to personnel, as to what our job entails, so they think we're just sitting on our butts drinking coffee and have all the time in the world to focus on the ONE incident in the entire county that is going on (sarcasm).

It's frustrating to the nth degree.  I went from somewhere where I was respected and "adored" for what I do, to being an unimportant nothing.  Maybe less than nothing.  I've been here 4 years, you think the boss knows my name? The actual job hasn't changed, just the environment.

I hate people so much now, I hardly ever leave my house on my days off.  No phone calls, no shopping unless I'm out of everything.  It's sad.  I'd leave, but the pay is good, and deep down, somewhere, I still feel like I make a difference.

My (cynical) View on Dating

I have been a long-time single mom.  My children's father ended up being more like my teenage son than a father and partner.  I ended that relationship after almost 6 years.  He was my first serious relationship as an adult.  He abused my kids, lost custody of them and then fought me tooth and nail over child support.  In the end, I've received the equivalent of almost and year and half of my income in child support over 19 years; thank you Pennsylvania for being so supportive (sarcasm).  He got married and had four more children since he lost custody of mine.

I had a small dating stint for about six months after that.  He also was very distant and moody; not very into the instant family thing.  I broke it off.  He got married not too long after.

My last relationship lasted 9 years and 4.5 months.  It was great in the beginning, but later, he only came to see me about once a month.  Intimacy was non-existent.  He only panicked when I decided to move to Florida; said "if getting a ring would make you stay, I'll buy one." Talk about insulting.  He stayed as far away from committing to me as the west coast is from the east coast. 

He's getting married this spring to someone he met three months after I moved.  I guess I'm the female version of "Good Luck Chuck."

I tried the online dating thing.  All I found were men that wanted one-night-stands or just a f**k buddy. Even on a site that I paid to meet "my match."  What a joke. 

I've learned a few things in this foray into dating after 40.  One is, men like to be needed (I'm apparently too independent for them).  Two, men don't like women with health issues (I have plenty).  Three, men don't like overweight women (I'm only 70 pounds over, but that must be too much). Four, I smoke and that seems to be a real turn-off.  Five, they want perfect teeth (age and two pregnancies in two years have de-mineralized my teeth to where they are breaking and, when you're paying off braces for one kid and supporting a household, some things get pushed to the back burner).

I've not been on a dating website or actively looking for my "ever after" in over two years.  Yes, I get lonely.  But: I get the bed to myself, sleep when I want (working nights), watch what I want on TV and can pretty much do whatever I want, whenever I want.

There are plenty of obituaries out there showing the death of someone with no spouse (or children for that matter).  Just a point proving that there isn't someone for everyone.

I already don't match society's view of perfection on so many levels. Why not add one more?